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"Thoughts" by Anonymous



BIBLICAL POINT OF REFERENCE:

"Out of the depths I cry to thee, O Lord! Lord, hear my voice! Let thy ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications!"

~Psalms 130:1-2

Happy Monday ladies! Today I am posting something a little different: I came across this poem about depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and felt that this is something that should be talked about and shared. The author remains anonymous, but their words speak truth: The daily turmoil and trials of having these mental disorders is not something that should be taken lightly. The author takes a brief moment to describe the specifics of their condition:

"Diagnosis: Major Depressive Disorder, Social Phobia, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Major depression is a mood disorder that causes me to feel constantly depressed and sad and have little interests. Social Phobia is intense anxiety during and over social situations. OCD causes me to have excessive thoughts which lead to repetitive behaviors. My specific obsession is called scrupulosity. It’s religious OCD in which I’m obsessed with morality, prayer, truth and sin. All of these conditions prevent me from daily functioning."

Please take a good and long read at this critical issue in the author's poem below:

“Thoughts”

Come in. You may enter my mind Where my functioning has greatly declined. See, just look at my thoughts I warn you, you may get lost! I am stuck in this excruciating pain I have great fears of going insane. But I’m with my Jesus on the cross - No wait, my Jesus is a loss. Can’t bear to look at all my sin This battle I will never win. Why is it I am so obsessed? Perhaps I’m not really that depressed. Tell me, this can’t be a compulsion? Because that I will not indulge in. Whoops, I can’t help it! My mind and body will not permit. Can’t you see that I’m dying? Maybe to myself I’m lying. Look, is that a scruple? Nah, I think it’s crucial. Wait—how dare I think! My soul begins to sink. What is me and what is not? What’s OCD and what is God? am fake, never genuine, Constantly in fear of sin. So, this joyful face you see, Is not actually a part of me. I mask all of my horrid feelings Hide this pride with which I’m dealing. This isn’t who I really am With every action, I am damned. If you saw who I really was, You’d fall with me into sharp claws. I wish that I could be sincere, But instead I force away every tear. My smile, I regret, is not even real My heart won’t open up its seal. I’m sorry, so sorry, I can only try, To pull off the mask before I die. Take it away! This I can’t stand! In circles I’ve run, I ran. Don’t go down that path, Or I’ll fall into God’s wrath. You say it’s anxious distress No, I think I’m possessed. I have to think deeply about something, Or else, I’ll be completely nothing. Please! I beg you to help me get out I’m completely unable to shake away this doubt. See how I hate God and worship the devil I’m evil. I am awful. I’m completely disheveled. Death, pain, mental illness, can I cope? You lazy butt, you selfish dope. I’m not ill; it’s my entire fault I should work, live, laugh as a responsible adult. Why, oh, why? I can’t get over this Meds aren’t helping. I’m at suicidal risk. Take me! Take me! Please take me now Just end my life, I don’t care how. Go to sleep forever—wouldn’t that be nice? But oh, how can I? That wouldn’t be right. But I can’t. I can’t. I can’t go on. Oh! What is it that I’m doing wrong? Over and over I ruminate Now I begin to suffocate. “There is no reason for you to be sad, You’re young, tall and beautiful. You should be glad.” If only it were so easy, but it really is not I can’t get rid of this negative self-talk. On I go, around and around Guilt comes knocking. To despair I am bound. How can I get better? Better doesn’t exist All good things I seem to resist. In the hospital again; this is the fourth time, My mood is improving, a very good sign. This therapy is hard and very intense, Exposures, affirmations, the difference is immense. That’s not normal. Did I just smile? It’s time to embrace this new profile. Perhaps this is the right combination of meds, My thoughts are clearer inside of my head. I’m not completely fixed, though I’d say I’ve improved, For this illness can’t be totally removed. Well, now my thoughts have been made known But, what if I told you, I’m not alone. Others too, have thoughts this day, That are different and pained and not conveyed. Whether OCD, depression, or maybe schizophrenia, Or perhaps bipolar, phobias, paranoia or anorexia. There’s personality, dissociative, and post-traumatic stress, ADHD, autism, dysmorphic, and anxious distress. It’s time to speak out, it’s been far too long, That we’ve had the stigma of being lazy, late and wrong. We can’t just get out of this with a simple snap, Or pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. We did not choose this, like any other disease, Such as cancer, ALS, Aids, and injuries. Now, share this poem, to help advocate, Your family and friends you must designate. Tell them to share this on Twitter or Facebook, So our illness will stop getting overlooked. Check nkm2.org, NAMI or other websites, To educate yourself and join in the fight. You others out there who are victims of this disease, It does get better, though it’s hard to believe. Don’t give up on us, keep staying strong, For night’s almost over and here comes the dawn. -Anonymous

As my challenge for the week for you all, I want you to take some time to pray for all those with mental disorders, such as depression and OCD, and pray that they find a way to see God through their sufferings. Do what the author suggests, and learn about how you can be more aware of people in these situations. My God Bless you all this week! Your Laughing Sister, ​Callahan

Check out the CHANGE and STRENGTH quotes pages for more inspiration!


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